Kindergarten Accomplished

One of the first posts on this blog was when Denisse graduated Pre-school. Well here we are again a school year later...happy to announce...that despite everything ...she did it...she has graduated Kindergarten and she will begin 1st grade in the fall.

For those that have kept up with us, despite  the lack of posts ...you guys know of D's "issue" and how that was/is a major concern for us.  Despite it..she has made it, we may have had to do a few extra  things than the other kids/parents but we were always willing and encouraging her to do them.

Now, at home after the last day of school, while she is sitting here next to me watching the little TV she watches, I look at her and cant believe this is the 6 week preemie I delivered over 5 yrs ago.

I should have known that it would be harder than what its supposed to be, her first whole year, we were in and out of MD offices then a small surgery, but through it all she would smile and I would just know that everything would be OK. I look back and realize that she has adjusted/accepted everything that has been thrown at her, sometimes with a smile, sometimes with tears (like those rolling down my face at the  moment) but she would always make the best of it.

The day we moved from a 2 bedroom to a tight one bedroom, and she lost most if not all her play area, all she said was its OK mommy, I will just have you closer when I sleep, and I can play right here, pointing to a small corner of the apartment.

I know, I am not a perfect mother, I know that I have made many mistakes and probably will make many many more...but I am so grateful that I have kept my kid ...well a kid ...and that she is living like every kid should, not thinking about growing up, having boyfriends/girlfriends, wearing make up, moving out, being cool, wearing the latest brands, having the latest gadgets etc..the furthest my kid looks ahead is what shes going to do tomorrow...I am proud to say that I think I have successfully taught my child how to live one day at a time (even if I don't). I hope I am not offending anybody, not that I care if I did, there is nothing wrong with kids thinking ahead, but they are doing it for the wrong reasons, and they get so infatuated with  the future that they don't enjoy/appreciate what they have NOW.

My daughter doesn't know about facebook, twitter, iPads, iPods, Nintendo DSS or whatever its called, she doesn't know she isn't paying the video games she does have on a much older version of the playstation and she doesn't care. She doesn't care or realize that her clothes aren't from Macy's nor carry any of the name brands and I love that. I love that she went through the school year without saying "bobby has a X toy, can I have one too"?

I hope I am able to keep that up for at least a few  more years, I know that I don't spend the time I should with her, but the time I do, I make it count...for now we will enjoy the summer and our upcoming vacation and slow down even more, enjoy the time we have before we set off on our next challenge...First Grade...



Denisse didn't want to take a pic with her teacher, so her teacher suggested we get one with her in the backround. Thank You! Ms. Moreno, for always trying to figure out ways to help Denisse :D

First REAL Vacation

Hello There!!!!

So ...I went to do my taxes yesterday, and for the first time in a long time our return was super awesome. I am not only happy cuz we are actually getting a return, but because thanks to it ...this year for the first time in my life I can pay for a REAL vacation.

Yes I know, we've taken Denisse to Disney and we have had short trips here and there, but it would always put a dent in my finance and I would always end up in the red. Not this year...This year I can pay for the trip and even have money left over. YAY!!!

Where am I going? I am taking Denisse and myself to El Salvador.  We are going with my parents, sometime in July, I don't have the dates set yet, but I will soon, since I am actually going to try to go for 3 weeks!! ...I have not been to El Salvador in 12 years, and Denisse has never been. There are many things I miss and I feel Denisse should get to know a little of the culture, since both her dad and I are from there.

Her dad (Erick) has his reservations about the whole thing, in fact, I wont get my hope up until he actually goes with us to get her passport and notarizes the letter to allow me to travel with her. Due to his "ways" he won't be going with us, my mom made that very clear, he was not welcome on this trip, and even though I would have liked him to come along, not for me of course, I also understand my moms side. It is her vacation as well, and dealing with his attitude is not something she should have to do, and I agree.  This will be only the second time Denisse has been away from her father for longer than a day, the first time was when we moved back to CA, they were away from each other 4 days. I don't know how either of them will handle it, thankfully I have heard that Internet access easy and somewhat cheap to obtain and am planning to have them Skype at least once a day when possible.

I am also worried about the food ans stuff, I remember getting awfully sick when I went the first time, but that was almost 20 years ago. My mom says that everything is more modern now and there are a lot of fast food places where we can get food for Denisse. Plus, we are not going back to our town :(, due to security reasons..we will be staying in San Salvador, and that all I can let myself say.

I am worried for safety as well, not for me but for Denisse. I know that if anything happens to her, I will not only have to live with it, since I'm the one that really wants to go, but her father will never let it rest, since he's the one opposed to the whole thing. However, if I will be living in fear that something is going to happen, then might as well enclose us in a crystal box and never come out, when its your time its your time.

So..I have some time to get ready, I need our passports which I MUST get going on that, hopefully in the next two weeks I can get those applications going...after that the tickets and after that clothes and luggage..

I AM EXCITED!!!



Thriving and Struggling

Denisse has an issue, if you've been keeping up you know Ive mentioned it a couple of times, but not really getting into it...well I think I need to vent maybe some one will read this and give me some ideas...if not ..at least I vented.

Denisse has what they call Selective Mutism, they say its related to anxiety. I believe that. Thankfully even before knowing what was wrong I never pressured her to do anything an always allowed her to do everything at her own pace.

She has probably had it for a long time, but we always mistook it with shyness. It wasn't until last year in preschool when we were called for a conference that we figured it out. Her teachers said that she would not speak with them or the other kids.  This was strange to us because she has been in daycare since she was 8 weeks old.  So as any concerned parent I emailed her doctor and her doctor referred her to a therapist. Well we went to her for a few sessions, unfortunately due to financial reasons we weren't able to continue. We were given so many solutions to try, but none of them worked. Eventually both her dad and I tried and still she was resisting.

She finally started kindergarten and the same thing, her teacher was concerned. So we had a interdisciplinary type meeting with the school psychologist, speech pathologist, her teacher her dad and I and another teacher. What did the teacher have to say: "Denisse may very well be ready for 1st grade level, but since we cant evaluate her we cant move her up".  See Denisse has been reading at a 1st grade level for over a year, her math is between 1st and 2nd grade, she is a smart kid, but she is holding herself back.  The teacher said that well if it weren't because Denisse is smart she would probably be very behind. So we all decided to stick to the plan of not pressuring her but offering her other ways to communicate without her thinking that she doesn't ever have to talk.

Now..everything was fine and dandy until last week when I got a note from her teacher saying that she (Denisse) didn't want to do her work and she actually lipped, not spoke, but lipped the words "I don't want to" when her teacher asked her why she didn't want to do her work. That's a step forward but still I was upset, I started panicking in my insides saying oh geez if she gets discouraged from school that's it for her. So I sat down and talked to her and asked her why she didn't want to do her work. she responded...Mommy, its not that I don't want to do it, its just that I'm bored, its the same thing over and over again, I write I finish then she gives me more work when I'm done and the other kids don't hurry...so basically she is bored.

I cant do anything about this. I told her that until she doesn't talk to her teachers everything will be the same...they cant say she is advanced even though they all know she is because they cant prove it on paper...I feel stuck and like a useless mother...I blame myself, if I had more time with her, if I hadn't started work to early stuff like that ...I know its not my fault ..but I just wish I knew what to do ...

*sigh*

I am posting a couple videos of her reading that were taken today so you guys can see how frustrating it is for her to read like this and not be able to show it off....:(

Faceing Reality

WOW!!!

Its been a while...sorry ..got distracted by..well reality...

Denisse is doing great! Well considering she is has  been officially diagnosed with Selective Mutism, she is not struggling in school, in fact if it weren't for her little issue she would be probably be in first grade. She has one friend as she did last year, her name is Sabrina, very nice little girl and her mom is nice too.

Denisse, her father and I went to Disneyland for her 5th birthday...she had a blast, it was a fun trip but for the second year in a row she got sick on our way back.

Prior to our trip, we had a HUGE scare with her health, she was admitted to the hospital with Meningitis, luckily it was Viral and we were there only for 3 days. It started with her complaining of a headache for a couple days and then one day when she came home from school, her dad texted me saying that she had fallen asleep when she came home. Denisse has not taken a nap since she turned 1, so I knew something was wrong, she had fallen at school a couple days before, that the headaches and now her lethargy made me think head injury. I have had a huge issue with Kaiser hospitals but THANKFULLY I had a very competent ER doc that quickly thought it was meningitis, the next day Denisse woke up OK but quickly deteriorated and spent the rest of the day with her temp spiking, she had fluids and IV antibiotic as prophylaxis...it was very scary. ..she has since then been fine with a couple flare ups of her GERD.

As for me...well...*sigh*...I have officially filed for bankruptcy...A one house income plus all the other bills and previous debt was too much, it was very painful to realize that I could no longer do it, the day before filing I cried the whole day, felt useless and just plain awful, the day of I was OK ..and the day after like nothing....

Unfortunately that is just the beginning, I have a whole lot of past due bills, and will be struggling for a few months...to be honest I had to sell a gold bracelet and a ring to get money for groceries this week...its embarrassing to admit, BUT I know I am not the only one out there in this situation and not talking about it and pretending its not helping anyone...I cant sit here and just write when everything is peachy and perfect...Those who know me ..know that everything is upfront..the good, the bad and the ugly...Now some of you may be asking what about her dad? Well he just completed his AA in Business Programming and well there are no jobs out  there, so he has been applying everywhere with no luck...He will be moving back in temporarily as he doesn't have financial aid anymore since he is not going to school, so he cant pay for the room he was staying in. I suggested he go back to school for his BS, which he would get in 2 years, yes I know I'm too good, but I am thinking of the future as well, if he has a better job my daughter will be better off. He declined and said that he will consider it later but he needs to feel useful...

It was hard to explain to Denisse that this was only for "a little bit" and that daddy will not be staying forever...Even when he lived here I never really saw him and I can't be a fucked up person. It will be like before, like roommates, he will have his life I will have mine.

Well.. that's the brief recap of the past 6 months...I will try to keep you guys updated and posted...but I just lose inspiration at times....