Still Growing...

The above pic is from D's 9th b-day party. Those two little kids are her best friends. The boy, has been her friend since 1st grade. They are now in 4th, and he lives in Tracy. He actually came down for her b-day. That is awesome. Those are the type of friends I want my kid to have. Long Lasting, no matter, time apart or distance. They have that bond. I didn't have that. I don't have a childhood friend. The closest thing I have to that was my best friend in H.S. I haven't talked to her in over 7 years and even then its been forever before. Once I moved away I let it go. I am a bad friend. I have always said that. While the friendship is constant, present I am the best friend a person can have. I will bend over backwards for you.

Once there is some type of distance, I am quick to let it go. It may be, that during that time we didn't have all the technology that we have today to keep in contact, but still, I could've tried harder. I didn't. I don't know why I am like that. Why I turn away from people that have showed me that they are the best people, I turn away like nothing. Yet I tend to have a hard time detaching from people that hurt me, eventually I do though, the process is just painful. 

Anyway... I can not believe how far that little girl has come. She is blossoming into this beautiful human being. Loving, caring and just all around happy. Her happiness is why I have and will sacrifice myself for her. Even if at the end, she prefers her father, even if I miss out on a lot of her things. There is one thing that she will always know. That I love her. I tell her, every day, multiple times. I tell her and I show her, when we snuggle in bed and she tells me about her day. When she is sick and I comfort her. I hope that when she grows older she will look back and remember those times. 

I know I can be tough on her, but she needs to learn. Nobody seems to realize that she needs to learn. Yes, I am strict, and will continue to love her and guide her. Sounds cliche, but she will appreciate it. I just wish I could spend more time with her, but its not possible, I keep telling myself quality over quantity. Hopefully she sees it that way.. meanwhile.. she is still growing..

...chelitta

Growing Pains...

My kiddo, we spent 3 weeks her and I in El Salvador. At first she was homesick, missing her father and that made me sad, but quickly realized I can not get upset at that. She is a daddy's girl. I have always said that I can not complain about him in that sense. He as been the best father he can be for her, yeah he has his moments, but so have I. We have never been parents so we both are learning. Passed the first few days she was OK, and I feel we connected more. 

I rarely have time for her like I wish I did. She is too small to understand that still, but she is voicing her needs now, and I am proud of that. That is something that I couldn't do that with my mom. She told me I "yell" at her too much. Which is kind of true, so that is something that I have to work on. Other than that she made me feel like so far, I have done a good job. We are both childish and we can be goofy and she is so loving. 

She bleeds love. I like that. She does not have an ounce of "hate" in her. I like that. She sees everyone as her equal, she does not notice a persons skin color. We need to work on her being more appreciative of her things though. She misplaces them and often says "you can get me another".  So she thinks it is easy for us to do so. The trip helped her with that though, she saw poverty and realized that things for people don't come easy. 

She is beginning to develop and that is the scary thing. To me, she is this beautiful being, inside and out. She is starting to voice her clothing preferences and has asked for lip gloss because "girls like makeup". I am in trouble. I don't know how I will handle that. We are growing together, and even though I am a realistic person, I don't want her to go through things on her own or think she cant talk to me about them, because she can. I mean, it isn't gonna be comfortable hearing how she is having sex or how she needs to go get on the pill or get condoms, but as a responsible parent, I want her to know that I will take her to get those. I rather she ask me, than get misinformed by her friends. 

I also hope she doesn't have a drug or alcohol curiosity, but again realistically its a possibility and I want to know. Hopefully though she has watched and heard enough bad things about them for her to not want to do it. But, if its true that Karma is a bitch, she will want to. 

Co-parenting sucks. Especially when you don't agree on some things. We are all growing. We are growing ... we are going through these pains together... as it should be... Our daughter will never feel unloved, she will never have to decide between both of us... we are here for her and we both realize that we are connected forever because of her.. and we will set aside all our differences to provide and make her world the best that we can make it... 

She is with her father right now... and I miss her silliness. I miss how she makes me feel its OK to have fun and smile.... I love my princess... 

No More Meds....

So for about a week now I stopped one of my antidepressants. I hadn't felt the effects of that, until today. I felt very heavy, very dark. I started to have thoughts that I shouldn't be having.

I expected this, but wasn't ready for the severity of it. I had not felt this dark for a couple years now. Yes I had sad days... Bad days ...but like this, its been a while. I feel scared. I feel like this may set mr back. So why am I doing this?

Well. I have been wanting to do it for a while. Being on an antidepressant wasn't supposed to be a permanent thing. So I decided it was time. I want Denisse to have a mom that isn't popping pills all the time, a mom that doesn't depend on them.
I don't want to be an elderly woman on meds to control her. I want to wake up one day...and be happy. Not because I took a pill but because I truly am.

Hopefully, this will pass soon. Hopefully I can wake up and feel happy.

Changes... Losses and more...

It is a sad time in our life right now. Last week we had to put our loving Oso to sleep. I have had Oso since he was 6 weeks. I bottle fed him for a week. It was February of 2004, my ex husband and I had been TTC for a year or so with no luck. I had wanted a dog for some time, but didn't have the money to buy one and in VA the adoption process is so lenghty and complicated. Fortunately I had a classmate that worked at a Vet. Emergency Center. So they had taken a German Shepard away from its owner because she was being abused and she was pregnant. She had her pupps while in custody and the order was to return the dog to its owner, but not the pupps. So they were looking for homes for all the pupps, only Oso was left. So we went to look at him. As soon as we walked in he ran to me and licked my face. His name at the time was Lionel. He didn't look like a Lionel .. he looked like a cub. I immediately named him Oso. So, ever since then he became my son. He was really hyper and nervous and was on meds for a long time, but I managed to still love and have patience with him. Unfortunately his condition became worse, and he attacked my ex husband on July 4th. He was terrified of the fireworks so he lost it. The following week on July 9th he was taken in. Denisse was very upset, they had a special bond that began even before she was born. Every now and then.. in the middle of the night I miss him. I miss hearing his snores and his sighs. I love him, always will.

Denisse has started gymaastics. She is loving it. I think this is the sport for her. She enjoys tumbling and cartwheels and all that stuff. So she goes every Tuesday. She passed the second grade. She is officially a Third grader, almost a big kid. She has come out of her shell a lot. She talks to people and kids, and when they ask her why she doesn't talk to them at first she says that its because she is a very shy person. She is growing into this beautiful human being and I can't believe she is mine.

My weight loss struggle continues, after losing a lot of weight I gained most of it back plus 10 more lbs. PCOS is kicking my ass and I don't know if I have the strength to fight back anymore. I feel my life sucks at the moment. I work and work and work and it all goes towards bills and rent. Though I finally finished paying off the car my ex husband drives. Isn't that something, paying for a car that I dont even drive. I have decided to document my struggles with PCOS on my Vlog so hopefully I don't lose interest in that. Maybe weekly updates and in between if I need it. Its better if I express my frustration, because its part of being human.

I am also looking for a place to live. Something permanent, maybe a mobile home or a 2bed 1 bath condo, just for Denisse and I. Hopefully thats something that I can do this year. There is a possibility of me moving to WI, but I don't think I will take that opportunity. I do not think its in the best interest of Denisse. Well that's my update. Sorry for taking so long.

Looking back...Heading forward.

Looking Back...

2013 wasn't a good year for many reasons. With all my health problems, emotional problems, money problems, it just wasn't a good year. There was some good, very few but worth mentioning. So here goes...

- Denisse conquered her fear of water and finally learned how to swim AND put her head in the water. I am do proud of my little one. 

- I started school in the fall. Took 12 units and passed all 3 classes. I had kept it a secret and will continue to do so from my coworkers since there is so much envy. I am proud that I stuck to it, and although there were times I didn't think I could do it and that I want to drop out, I did not. 

- I got myself a promise ring. Its a promise to myself, not to quit school AND not  to bed anyone, unless they are in my heart. Mostly it was for the bedding part, but school works too. 

- I started a diet/exercise program and actually stuck to it, well mostly. I lost a total of 30 and gained 10 back, cuz after D's bday I got slammed with school work and slacked off, but I promise myself to keep going. 

- I was able to take D to Disneyland for her birthday. For a moment I thought I wasn't going  to be able to, but I did. 

- I didn't have to buy groceries at the Dollar Tree this year. The years prior there were weeks where I barely had enough to go there, but not this past year. 

- Although I dislike it, I still have a job. 

- Finally after 3 or more years, I got my closure from that one guy. No he didn't apologize, but I did email him everything I had to say. I can say, that he no longer lives in my heart. To my surprise, it didn't take anyone else to kick him out, he just slowly faded. 

That's all I can think of, If I missed any, comment them. I am quick to forget the good and keep the bad. Yes, 2013 brought me heartaches, endless nights of crying myself to sleep, wishing for morning never to come for me, but there was a little good in there. 

Heading forward...

2014 I sure hope you are a tad better, I don't believe in resolutions because I don't keep them. But in 2014 I will try to..

-Travel more. I still haven't been to places like Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Yosemite (as an adult). So maybe start from there. July will be my trip to El Salvador and I am excited for it, but still, I would like to at least go places here in the U.S. 

- Continue school. I do have this promise ring I have to honor. I have enrolled for Spring semester and taking 4 classes. People are telling me it's too much. I will prove them I can. 

- Continue with the weight loss. If I can, at least be healthy. I want to be able to wear a 2 piece when I go to Salvie (fustan y wife beater). 

- Keep Denisse smiling, fill her with many many happy memories, because the way things are going, I may not be here for too long. 

- Keep up with my blogs. 

- Keep food on the table. Do whatever it takes. 

- Be me. No regrets. 

Of course there is much more I would like happen, but I have already said I will not hope or wish for it. I have wasted too much of my time waiting for someone/something that isn't for me.  

Finally, I want to wish everyone that takes the time to read me, a very Happy New Year! May all your wishes come true, may life bless all of you with happiness. Hope to continue sharing with you our ups and downs. 

XOXOXO from myself and D! 

Letting go...

I was wondering which blog I should post this in. I figured I could post it in both, but that's a bit much. So I opted to post it here, since I am sure I am not the only single mom out there that feels this way.

So, after a few months I reopened my OK cupid account. This came after an unfortunate incident that happened after I posted an ad on CL. Nothing "bad" per se just brought me down emotionally. Basically I was rejected after I sent a picture. So I figured, at least on OKC they will see a pic of me and if they do decide to make contact well they at least they know what I look like somewhat.  So within a few hours I kept receiving messages, some were not even worth it, some were but they guy really wasn't what I was looking for and so I answered a few. Some convos died after a few hours because of course, despite my profile clearly saying that I didn't want a casual sex thing, exchange nude pix or anything along those lines, I guess guys didn't get it or believe it. Then there was one gentleman, which actually sustained a decent convo and was really nice. So I was a tad excited. He asked me out for lunch, which I readily agreed to. So everything was going fine, and then this morning, I receive a message from him. He apologized for cancelling on me for the date, but he had been seeing another woman and she wanted them to be exclusive. Well, I appreciate his honesty, but, if you  are already seeing someone, why are you on OKC still? Why are you messaging women?

The thing is, being dumped even before anything hurts. It hurt more because, despite him being intelligent, Spanish speaking, able to carry on a convo, he wasn't exactly what I "want". See I was compromising or as I feel settling for something less than what I expect. Why? Various reasons. I know, people usually say never settle, but that hasn't gotten me anywhere. I am still alone. One reason is basically that, I don't want to be alone. This past x-mas was terrible. Yes I was with Denisse and with my parents and even my aunt and uncle, but still its not the same. No kiss under the mistletoe, no kiss period. Nothing. Another reason is, well I was told that I don't give guys a chance. That I usually cut them off before even letting them prove themselves. So I decided, what the hell, lets lower your standards, and just go with the flow.

Obviously that didn't go well either. So it hurt, especially since the last time I attempted this online thing didn't turn out well either. So needless to say that ruined my whole day and the rest of this bad year. So I have decided to let go. Let go, not of a person, but of the idea of LOVE.

For those that have been following, you guys know that Love hasn't gone well for me. Starting with my marriage. It seems I tend to fall for guys that don't like me. That don't see me more than just a friend. I mean I have always been able to be friends with men, so maybe that's as far as I am supposed to go with them. I fall for guys that prefer beauty over brains, even when they say they don't. I let people in that don't deserve it and I am only hurt in the end. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't deserve hurt anymore. Its not that I don't give people chances. I did, it didn't work.

So, starting in 2014 I will no longer look for love. I will leave OKC open, but not answer people that don't meet my standards. I will not settle anymore. I know what I want and if that person doesn't have it, I wont waste my time or theirs. As much as it hurts I won't maintain that hope that there is someone out there for me. I truly believe at this point there isn't. If there were, he would have shown up by now. He hasn't. He doesn't exist. I have to accept that, I believe that once I do, I will be happy.

Letting go hurts, letting go of one of the things that kept you going hurts even more. Love isn't for me, never has, never will be. ...

Cyber Bullying Hits Home.

As a chubby person, ok lets just say it fat, and not so good looking, I have been used to being picked on as a kid and maybe every now and then in High School, its nothing new to me. However, at almost 34 I never thought it would happen again, and for the pettiest of reasons, by grown women younger and older than I.

I can understand kids to some extent, some don't know any better, some get it from their parents or other family members, but when this type of harassment comes from adults it just baffles me. Especially when I look at the reason.  I have a guy friend. We have been friends for a couple of years. Our friendship has blossomed  to the point that he has become very close and I consider him almost as family, for me its very hard to open up to people, and there is only one other person I feel like this about, she know who she is (Hi Chiflis!). Its just that, a friendship, him and I have never crossed any lines don't have any hidden agendas, it is a pure platonic relationship. I know it is hard for people to believe and maybe understand that, but that's just how it is and this post is  not about explaining it so that will be the extent of it.

At the beginning everything was fine, gradually I started noticing request from various people (women), I was wondering why the sudden interest in reading my craziness. Eventually I realized the reason. These were women that were also friends of my friend. Still I didn't pay much attention to it, then I noticed that rarely did these people interact with me. So I figured, these were women that potentially were interested in my friend. We took at as a joke, I mean it was pretty harmless.

That started to change, at first it was by comments that were obviously intended for me some were said to me directly some weren't, still I paid no mind. Like I have told my friend, I take it as a compliment, these women which I think are very attractive consider me a potential threat to their possibilities of being with him. I started blocking and doing away with them, I wasn't going to take their stalking so they can use that against me any longer. Left a few behind because they had never really done anything.

Then suddenly, I started getting emails, private messages etc. I will not disclose what they said nor from whom, I will not give those people anymore attention, they do not deserve it. I will say that they were hurtful, to the point that some of them made me cry and at some points doubt my friend. I knew these ladies, if you can call them that, were trying to fill my head with doubts about his intentions, and even his friendship. I knew they wanted to me to stay away from him, and I will not lie, at a point there were times I was going to, just walk away, send an email saying I couldn't be his friend anymore and just end all ties, was it really worth being harassed by these women? That's what I would ask myself over and over, and every time I had decided to stay away, something would happen that made me rethink the whole thing.

Over the past 2 months things got worse. The emails were almost daily, the messages as well, hurtful, sometimes so cruel, I was brought back to my childhood. It made me afraid for my daughter. Not because these people could do anything but because she is in elementary school, and although each day I wish for her to have a good day, I know that one day there will be that mean kid that says something to her, and if she doesn't know how to respond/react to him/her she will become their preferred target. If grown women are able to make another grown woman feel like a child, what will my kid feel like? As an adult, I took all the safe steps, my social media accounts are private, I only interact with people who have shown respect, and made away with those that haven't. Yet here I was facing cruel words and possibly even more. Who do you turn to when you  are 33 years old? Kids can turn to their parents for comfort and support, but when you are an adult?

So, yesterday I took a drastic step, I deleted all of the women, all of them, except those that haven't bothered me in any way or that I consider harmless. No longer will I be their amusement, nor allow them to fill my head with doubts. If my friend really turns out to be what they say, I will take the risk of learning that on my own, however to this day he hasn't done anything that would make me doubt his friendship, nor do I think I should be reminded of my not so good looks.

I believe these women, will read this, it is in their hearts to know every step of my life, they will try to somehow keep tabs etc. Well, all I can say to them is get a life. A real one, get off of your computer, phone, tablet etc. and go out there, live life. Leave me alone. I am no threat to you, your own insecurities are. Get over them.

After experiencing this I am more motivated to speak to my child, to have her embrace herself so that when people do try to bring her down, she loves herself enough to know that people only say hurtful things because they are not happy with who they are, what they look like. I hope I can do this, to me my daughter is beautiful and smart, but of course I am her mother, there will be people that will not think this, and we will be ready for them.