Looking back...Heading forward.

Looking Back...

2013 wasn't a good year for many reasons. With all my health problems, emotional problems, money problems, it just wasn't a good year. There was some good, very few but worth mentioning. So here goes...

- Denisse conquered her fear of water and finally learned how to swim AND put her head in the water. I am do proud of my little one. 

- I started school in the fall. Took 12 units and passed all 3 classes. I had kept it a secret and will continue to do so from my coworkers since there is so much envy. I am proud that I stuck to it, and although there were times I didn't think I could do it and that I want to drop out, I did not. 

- I got myself a promise ring. Its a promise to myself, not to quit school AND not  to bed anyone, unless they are in my heart. Mostly it was for the bedding part, but school works too. 

- I started a diet/exercise program and actually stuck to it, well mostly. I lost a total of 30 and gained 10 back, cuz after D's bday I got slammed with school work and slacked off, but I promise myself to keep going. 

- I was able to take D to Disneyland for her birthday. For a moment I thought I wasn't going  to be able to, but I did. 

- I didn't have to buy groceries at the Dollar Tree this year. The years prior there were weeks where I barely had enough to go there, but not this past year. 

- Although I dislike it, I still have a job. 

- Finally after 3 or more years, I got my closure from that one guy. No he didn't apologize, but I did email him everything I had to say. I can say, that he no longer lives in my heart. To my surprise, it didn't take anyone else to kick him out, he just slowly faded. 

That's all I can think of, If I missed any, comment them. I am quick to forget the good and keep the bad. Yes, 2013 brought me heartaches, endless nights of crying myself to sleep, wishing for morning never to come for me, but there was a little good in there. 

Heading forward...

2014 I sure hope you are a tad better, I don't believe in resolutions because I don't keep them. But in 2014 I will try to..

-Travel more. I still haven't been to places like Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Yosemite (as an adult). So maybe start from there. July will be my trip to El Salvador and I am excited for it, but still, I would like to at least go places here in the U.S. 

- Continue school. I do have this promise ring I have to honor. I have enrolled for Spring semester and taking 4 classes. People are telling me it's too much. I will prove them I can. 

- Continue with the weight loss. If I can, at least be healthy. I want to be able to wear a 2 piece when I go to Salvie (fustan y wife beater). 

- Keep Denisse smiling, fill her with many many happy memories, because the way things are going, I may not be here for too long. 

- Keep up with my blogs. 

- Keep food on the table. Do whatever it takes. 

- Be me. No regrets. 

Of course there is much more I would like happen, but I have already said I will not hope or wish for it. I have wasted too much of my time waiting for someone/something that isn't for me.  

Finally, I want to wish everyone that takes the time to read me, a very Happy New Year! May all your wishes come true, may life bless all of you with happiness. Hope to continue sharing with you our ups and downs. 

XOXOXO from myself and D! 

Letting go...

I was wondering which blog I should post this in. I figured I could post it in both, but that's a bit much. So I opted to post it here, since I am sure I am not the only single mom out there that feels this way.

So, after a few months I reopened my OK cupid account. This came after an unfortunate incident that happened after I posted an ad on CL. Nothing "bad" per se just brought me down emotionally. Basically I was rejected after I sent a picture. So I figured, at least on OKC they will see a pic of me and if they do decide to make contact well they at least they know what I look like somewhat.  So within a few hours I kept receiving messages, some were not even worth it, some were but they guy really wasn't what I was looking for and so I answered a few. Some convos died after a few hours because of course, despite my profile clearly saying that I didn't want a casual sex thing, exchange nude pix or anything along those lines, I guess guys didn't get it or believe it. Then there was one gentleman, which actually sustained a decent convo and was really nice. So I was a tad excited. He asked me out for lunch, which I readily agreed to. So everything was going fine, and then this morning, I receive a message from him. He apologized for cancelling on me for the date, but he had been seeing another woman and she wanted them to be exclusive. Well, I appreciate his honesty, but, if you  are already seeing someone, why are you on OKC still? Why are you messaging women?

The thing is, being dumped even before anything hurts. It hurt more because, despite him being intelligent, Spanish speaking, able to carry on a convo, he wasn't exactly what I "want". See I was compromising or as I feel settling for something less than what I expect. Why? Various reasons. I know, people usually say never settle, but that hasn't gotten me anywhere. I am still alone. One reason is basically that, I don't want to be alone. This past x-mas was terrible. Yes I was with Denisse and with my parents and even my aunt and uncle, but still its not the same. No kiss under the mistletoe, no kiss period. Nothing. Another reason is, well I was told that I don't give guys a chance. That I usually cut them off before even letting them prove themselves. So I decided, what the hell, lets lower your standards, and just go with the flow.

Obviously that didn't go well either. So it hurt, especially since the last time I attempted this online thing didn't turn out well either. So needless to say that ruined my whole day and the rest of this bad year. So I have decided to let go. Let go, not of a person, but of the idea of LOVE.

For those that have been following, you guys know that Love hasn't gone well for me. Starting with my marriage. It seems I tend to fall for guys that don't like me. That don't see me more than just a friend. I mean I have always been able to be friends with men, so maybe that's as far as I am supposed to go with them. I fall for guys that prefer beauty over brains, even when they say they don't. I let people in that don't deserve it and I am only hurt in the end. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't deserve hurt anymore. Its not that I don't give people chances. I did, it didn't work.

So, starting in 2014 I will no longer look for love. I will leave OKC open, but not answer people that don't meet my standards. I will not settle anymore. I know what I want and if that person doesn't have it, I wont waste my time or theirs. As much as it hurts I won't maintain that hope that there is someone out there for me. I truly believe at this point there isn't. If there were, he would have shown up by now. He hasn't. He doesn't exist. I have to accept that, I believe that once I do, I will be happy.

Letting go hurts, letting go of one of the things that kept you going hurts even more. Love isn't for me, never has, never will be. ...