No more wounds...

While at my mothers this afternoon, I remembered why her and I can never get along. While I was growing up, most of the hurt and tears came because of what my mother said to me. Today, she made me feel like that little girl, that used to cry herself to sleep wondering why her mommy didn't love her.

The one person any child should be able to run to when they have been hurt, is the one causing the pain. It wasn't always like this. I remember, very vaguely that there was a time when I did receive love from my mom, maybe before I was four. After  that, most of the things I remember have a bitter sweet taste to it. Yes, my mom would provide for me, I can honestly say that I was given more than most, yes we were poor but she worked hard for what we had. I don't know if this is why she resented me so much.

I always felt that I wasn't good enough for her. She would always say something regarding my body, the way I would walk, the way I would talk, even the way I ate. As I grew older, I realized that this is how she was raised. Under a very strict and hard working woman. I don't know if she meant to, but she had become her own mother.

Now, that I am a mother myself, I feel confused about this. As I see my daughter, she is nothing but beautiful to me. I know, that she may not be all that, but to me, she is. So, I think, Was I not this to my mother? If that's the case, does that mean that she doesn't love me? Growing up, I always said that I would never make my children feel the way she made me feel. So, as a daughter of a strict parent, wouldn't she want to do the same?

The day my daughter was born I made her a promise. I would NEVER make her feel ugly, inferior, or stupid. I would be a positive parent, not her friend, but her parent. The wounds that have been carried over from one generation to another stop with me. I don't know, and guess will never know if my mother loves me, accepts me, or if she is even proud of me, but the one thing I will know, is that my daughter will know she is loved by her mother, no matter what path she takes in life.

Lonely...

This is a more personal entry. I have been wondering lately, if there is anyone out there for me. Not that I need the added stress that a relationship brings to ones life, but I would like to at least have someone to lean on.

I wonder, how some women, go years with no significant relationship in their lives. The casual date here and there or even a casual encounter in a remote hotel. I was kind of opened to that idea at first, but after many failed attempts, thanks to my very own jiminy cricket, I decided that not only did I need something more, but that I deserved it. Yet, here I am wondering if that is actually the way to go.

Men these days, expect women to be more open, more liberal and well, motherhood has made me somewhat old fashioned. To me, sex isn't everything, while its very nice to have it, I don't feel I need it like I used to. I need emotional sex. I need something that will arouse my interest, that will satisfy me intellectually, that will make my emotions explode just by thinking of him. Unfortunately there are very few men, if any that are willing to provide that.

I have noticed that even the older male, acts like an adolescent when it comes to dating. This isn't their fault, women have allowed for this to happen. Women that look at men like the answer to their problems, that look at the size of a mans wallet before the size of his heart. So, there men go, buying an expensive car, wearing expensive clothes, catering to these women's expensive tastes etc. Of course this all comes with a price, that many woman are willing to pay, sex has just become so casual.

I also think of my daughter, and the example that I have to set for her. As I have always said, I want her to be a strong woman. How can she be that, if she doesn't have a clear example of what that should be? But is needing to "be" with someone a sign of weakness? I don't want her to think that she needs to accomplish everything on her own, I want her to know that its OK to want to feel wanted, and loved. At the same time, I don't want her thinking that she needs to be with anyone, some people break the mold and actually do better alone.

As the years go by, I lose hope of ever finding that one person that will not only fit perfectly in my life, but feels I do the same in his. So maybe, in the meantime, I will continue to feel lonely, in silence.

Another One...

Denisse is the love of my life. I am so happy and grateful to have her, yet I feel I need one more. I know that its not possible, and even if it were, would be very risky. Still, there is something in me that needs another one.

I know I don't have much to offer, and probably bringing a child  into this world without a father is unfair. I feel so selfish for wanting things that I cant have. People tend to say, you should be happy, grateful, content that you have at least one, there are many women that cant even have that. Yes, I know, I know all this full well, but that doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't take away the feeling I have, it doesn't take away the pain I feel for not being able to have another.

Its not only for me, I think of Denisse. I myself am an only child, and even though it has its advantages, it has more emotional disadvantages. For example, here I am, blogging my feelings instead of picking up the phone and calling a sister, or brother. I don't have that, I don't have anything the at this point resembles that. Then there's the "when I am gone" issue. Who will Denisse have? Nobody. It will just be her, the emptiness one feels when those thoughts pop into your head are awful.

I know economically it will also strain me even more, and may halt even more my dreams of finishing my career, but if I had one wish, it would be to have another child. To feel it grow inside me, to go through the morning sickness, even the labor pains. Maybe, just maybe it will happen, I don't want to lose hope, I feel as long as I have the parts I can...I know. I am fooling myself. *sigh*

When your child "says" No...LISTEN

Training for the spring season of Soccer started 2 weeks ago. Denisse has improved a lot. I am not only saying that because she is my kid, a lot of parents have asked me if she has played before, because she is so focused.

Anyway, she is on a different team this time, which I personally don't mind, that also helps her out being comfortable with other people and maybe she will find that one kiddo she will open up to. All the kids on last seasons team, were also very focused and you could tell they enjoyed being there.

 We all wish, our kids would enjoy themselves in activities we pick for them, unfortunately sometimes that's not the case. Like when Denisse, wasn't having it in martial arts. I was disappointed, and I am not going to lie about it. The more I insisted on it the more she would withdraw. She gave me so many signs. She had told me in her own voice NO, but of course kids tend to say that about something new, or just to say it. Once it started though it wasn't her voice saying no, it was her attitude.  She would cry, she wouldn't participate, she wouldn't pay attention.  So, finally we stopped going.

I am bring this up because there is one little girl on the team that appears to be having the same issue. The age group is under 6, so maybe the age thing has a lot  to do with it, but she looks to be either 5 or 6. She is not focused at all, doesn't listen, doesn't look interested in playing. I understand, that being a recreational team is more about it being fun rather than competitive. This little girl though doesn't look like she is having fun.

When she gets to practice, she looks tired and unhappy. Once practice starts, she is so distracted by other things. I can tell that even the coaches are getting a little impatient with her. Yes, there are other kids that are acting the same, but they are much younger. Also, her mom doesn't seem to be interested in her playing or learning the game. She sees her unfocused and just standing there and doesn't say anything. Other parents, including myself sit there, cheer on and direct our kids, or tell them to pay attention. 

To have your child in an activity just because its the in thing to do or because the rest of your social group does it even though your child clearly isn't interested is a total waste of their time and yours. I wonder if her mom even bothered asking her, or if she gave her any other options.

As parents our job is to guide our children in the right direction. Given them the tools so they can follow or make their own path in life, not make it for them. We have to understand that we may not have a ballerina but a gymnast,  a basketball player or whatever their little heart is into. We have to listen to our child. What is the use of having your child in an activity she isn't enjoying?

Anyway, that's my two cents. Hopefully she is able to enjoy, if not the game but the friendships she makes along the way.

Starting Over....Again....

Easter 2013

So, Its been a while....a loooong while. *sigh* ...yes I have been lazy, that's the truth. I have had some rough times. But I have had some good times as well, all of which you guys deserved to know. It would take me forever to share one by one with its story and all so I will give a brief re-cap.

Denisse started 1st grade! She is dong great!! she is thriving and is slowly overcoming her "issue". She is one of the top students in her class and excels in her assessment exams. She is talking to her teacher, and also talking to new people she meets.

She is playing soccer, and LOVES IT!!! She started last fall, and was very iffy at first. I didn't think she would like it, but she did. This season (spring) she looks and acts more confident, of course she needs a lot more work, but she is getting there.

Martial Arts was a big FAIL! She really didn't like that and I honestly wanted her to. To build her confidence and for self defense as well. I may attempt it again, now that she is opening up to some things. But yeah, I was disappointed.

She also did and completed Piano I. She liked it and is still practicing, she will retake lessons in the summer or even the fall. I don't want to overload her.

She is also learning to swim. This started this week. So far so good, although she still has issues with her head being in the water. But I can tell that she will be fine.

We did end up going to El Salvador!! Denisse enjoyed it and surprised me. She didn't get sick and was just so open to everything. We are going back next year for sure.

As for me, well still single, still struggling and still hoping.

So, hopefully I will keep up with this, this time around, I have another project going around and that gave me ideas for this one. Maybe one day my craziness pays the bills...we will see.

Thanx for reading :)

Chelitta