Looking back...Heading forward.

Looking Back...

2013 wasn't a good year for many reasons. With all my health problems, emotional problems, money problems, it just wasn't a good year. There was some good, very few but worth mentioning. So here goes...

- Denisse conquered her fear of water and finally learned how to swim AND put her head in the water. I am do proud of my little one. 

- I started school in the fall. Took 12 units and passed all 3 classes. I had kept it a secret and will continue to do so from my coworkers since there is so much envy. I am proud that I stuck to it, and although there were times I didn't think I could do it and that I want to drop out, I did not. 

- I got myself a promise ring. Its a promise to myself, not to quit school AND not  to bed anyone, unless they are in my heart. Mostly it was for the bedding part, but school works too. 

- I started a diet/exercise program and actually stuck to it, well mostly. I lost a total of 30 and gained 10 back, cuz after D's bday I got slammed with school work and slacked off, but I promise myself to keep going. 

- I was able to take D to Disneyland for her birthday. For a moment I thought I wasn't going  to be able to, but I did. 

- I didn't have to buy groceries at the Dollar Tree this year. The years prior there were weeks where I barely had enough to go there, but not this past year. 

- Although I dislike it, I still have a job. 

- Finally after 3 or more years, I got my closure from that one guy. No he didn't apologize, but I did email him everything I had to say. I can say, that he no longer lives in my heart. To my surprise, it didn't take anyone else to kick him out, he just slowly faded. 

That's all I can think of, If I missed any, comment them. I am quick to forget the good and keep the bad. Yes, 2013 brought me heartaches, endless nights of crying myself to sleep, wishing for morning never to come for me, but there was a little good in there. 

Heading forward...

2014 I sure hope you are a tad better, I don't believe in resolutions because I don't keep them. But in 2014 I will try to..

-Travel more. I still haven't been to places like Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Yosemite (as an adult). So maybe start from there. July will be my trip to El Salvador and I am excited for it, but still, I would like to at least go places here in the U.S. 

- Continue school. I do have this promise ring I have to honor. I have enrolled for Spring semester and taking 4 classes. People are telling me it's too much. I will prove them I can. 

- Continue with the weight loss. If I can, at least be healthy. I want to be able to wear a 2 piece when I go to Salvie (fustan y wife beater). 

- Keep Denisse smiling, fill her with many many happy memories, because the way things are going, I may not be here for too long. 

- Keep up with my blogs. 

- Keep food on the table. Do whatever it takes. 

- Be me. No regrets. 

Of course there is much more I would like happen, but I have already said I will not hope or wish for it. I have wasted too much of my time waiting for someone/something that isn't for me.  

Finally, I want to wish everyone that takes the time to read me, a very Happy New Year! May all your wishes come true, may life bless all of you with happiness. Hope to continue sharing with you our ups and downs. 

XOXOXO from myself and D! 

Letting go...

I was wondering which blog I should post this in. I figured I could post it in both, but that's a bit much. So I opted to post it here, since I am sure I am not the only single mom out there that feels this way.

So, after a few months I reopened my OK cupid account. This came after an unfortunate incident that happened after I posted an ad on CL. Nothing "bad" per se just brought me down emotionally. Basically I was rejected after I sent a picture. So I figured, at least on OKC they will see a pic of me and if they do decide to make contact well they at least they know what I look like somewhat.  So within a few hours I kept receiving messages, some were not even worth it, some were but they guy really wasn't what I was looking for and so I answered a few. Some convos died after a few hours because of course, despite my profile clearly saying that I didn't want a casual sex thing, exchange nude pix or anything along those lines, I guess guys didn't get it or believe it. Then there was one gentleman, which actually sustained a decent convo and was really nice. So I was a tad excited. He asked me out for lunch, which I readily agreed to. So everything was going fine, and then this morning, I receive a message from him. He apologized for cancelling on me for the date, but he had been seeing another woman and she wanted them to be exclusive. Well, I appreciate his honesty, but, if you  are already seeing someone, why are you on OKC still? Why are you messaging women?

The thing is, being dumped even before anything hurts. It hurt more because, despite him being intelligent, Spanish speaking, able to carry on a convo, he wasn't exactly what I "want". See I was compromising or as I feel settling for something less than what I expect. Why? Various reasons. I know, people usually say never settle, but that hasn't gotten me anywhere. I am still alone. One reason is basically that, I don't want to be alone. This past x-mas was terrible. Yes I was with Denisse and with my parents and even my aunt and uncle, but still its not the same. No kiss under the mistletoe, no kiss period. Nothing. Another reason is, well I was told that I don't give guys a chance. That I usually cut them off before even letting them prove themselves. So I decided, what the hell, lets lower your standards, and just go with the flow.

Obviously that didn't go well either. So it hurt, especially since the last time I attempted this online thing didn't turn out well either. So needless to say that ruined my whole day and the rest of this bad year. So I have decided to let go. Let go, not of a person, but of the idea of LOVE.

For those that have been following, you guys know that Love hasn't gone well for me. Starting with my marriage. It seems I tend to fall for guys that don't like me. That don't see me more than just a friend. I mean I have always been able to be friends with men, so maybe that's as far as I am supposed to go with them. I fall for guys that prefer beauty over brains, even when they say they don't. I let people in that don't deserve it and I am only hurt in the end. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't deserve hurt anymore. Its not that I don't give people chances. I did, it didn't work.

So, starting in 2014 I will no longer look for love. I will leave OKC open, but not answer people that don't meet my standards. I will not settle anymore. I know what I want and if that person doesn't have it, I wont waste my time or theirs. As much as it hurts I won't maintain that hope that there is someone out there for me. I truly believe at this point there isn't. If there were, he would have shown up by now. He hasn't. He doesn't exist. I have to accept that, I believe that once I do, I will be happy.

Letting go hurts, letting go of one of the things that kept you going hurts even more. Love isn't for me, never has, never will be. ...

Cyber Bullying Hits Home.

As a chubby person, ok lets just say it fat, and not so good looking, I have been used to being picked on as a kid and maybe every now and then in High School, its nothing new to me. However, at almost 34 I never thought it would happen again, and for the pettiest of reasons, by grown women younger and older than I.

I can understand kids to some extent, some don't know any better, some get it from their parents or other family members, but when this type of harassment comes from adults it just baffles me. Especially when I look at the reason.  I have a guy friend. We have been friends for a couple of years. Our friendship has blossomed  to the point that he has become very close and I consider him almost as family, for me its very hard to open up to people, and there is only one other person I feel like this about, she know who she is (Hi Chiflis!). Its just that, a friendship, him and I have never crossed any lines don't have any hidden agendas, it is a pure platonic relationship. I know it is hard for people to believe and maybe understand that, but that's just how it is and this post is  not about explaining it so that will be the extent of it.

At the beginning everything was fine, gradually I started noticing request from various people (women), I was wondering why the sudden interest in reading my craziness. Eventually I realized the reason. These were women that were also friends of my friend. Still I didn't pay much attention to it, then I noticed that rarely did these people interact with me. So I figured, these were women that potentially were interested in my friend. We took at as a joke, I mean it was pretty harmless.

That started to change, at first it was by comments that were obviously intended for me some were said to me directly some weren't, still I paid no mind. Like I have told my friend, I take it as a compliment, these women which I think are very attractive consider me a potential threat to their possibilities of being with him. I started blocking and doing away with them, I wasn't going to take their stalking so they can use that against me any longer. Left a few behind because they had never really done anything.

Then suddenly, I started getting emails, private messages etc. I will not disclose what they said nor from whom, I will not give those people anymore attention, they do not deserve it. I will say that they were hurtful, to the point that some of them made me cry and at some points doubt my friend. I knew these ladies, if you can call them that, were trying to fill my head with doubts about his intentions, and even his friendship. I knew they wanted to me to stay away from him, and I will not lie, at a point there were times I was going to, just walk away, send an email saying I couldn't be his friend anymore and just end all ties, was it really worth being harassed by these women? That's what I would ask myself over and over, and every time I had decided to stay away, something would happen that made me rethink the whole thing.

Over the past 2 months things got worse. The emails were almost daily, the messages as well, hurtful, sometimes so cruel, I was brought back to my childhood. It made me afraid for my daughter. Not because these people could do anything but because she is in elementary school, and although each day I wish for her to have a good day, I know that one day there will be that mean kid that says something to her, and if she doesn't know how to respond/react to him/her she will become their preferred target. If grown women are able to make another grown woman feel like a child, what will my kid feel like? As an adult, I took all the safe steps, my social media accounts are private, I only interact with people who have shown respect, and made away with those that haven't. Yet here I was facing cruel words and possibly even more. Who do you turn to when you  are 33 years old? Kids can turn to their parents for comfort and support, but when you are an adult?

So, yesterday I took a drastic step, I deleted all of the women, all of them, except those that haven't bothered me in any way or that I consider harmless. No longer will I be their amusement, nor allow them to fill my head with doubts. If my friend really turns out to be what they say, I will take the risk of learning that on my own, however to this day he hasn't done anything that would make me doubt his friendship, nor do I think I should be reminded of my not so good looks.

I believe these women, will read this, it is in their hearts to know every step of my life, they will try to somehow keep tabs etc. Well, all I can say to them is get a life. A real one, get off of your computer, phone, tablet etc. and go out there, live life. Leave me alone. I am no threat to you, your own insecurities are. Get over them.

After experiencing this I am more motivated to speak to my child, to have her embrace herself so that when people do try to bring her down, she loves herself enough to know that people only say hurtful things because they are not happy with who they are, what they look like. I hope I can do this, to me my daughter is beautiful and smart, but of course I am her mother, there will be people that will not think this, and we will be ready for them.

There is no "right" way...

Lately, I have seen many people, on the different social sites, criticizing, anything from gun control to someones parenting style. I am usually neutral, I have my beliefs and opinions yet instead of trying to impose them on someone else, or force them to it them my way, I express them and that's it. I mean we already have many wars going on for the same reason, the last thing I need is one on my social sites. The ones that usually bother me to some degree are the ones where people, basically harass and even challenge someone else's capacity as a parent, just because they aren't doing it "their way". From diapering to disciplining, it just annoys the hell out of me. Let me tell you why.

Most of these people I see doing  this, their kids, are well that, kids. So who's to say, 10-15yrs from now these "perfect parenting" wont have some anti-social, non productive, parasite of society in their hands? Wouldn't it be ironic, that the parents they so much criticized have strong, independent, productive members of society? THAT'S my reason. because we don't know what works for others. You don't know my kid, her issues, her struggles etc. I have, up till now, had the privilege of never having to use corporal discipline AKA spanking. I was raised that way and although, I did, if I say so myself not only turn out fine, but a very productive member of today's society. I work, put food on my table, never been in trouble with the law, and well even save lives once in a while. However, I don't think my child has reached a point where it is needed. I am not going t o say I will never spank my kid, I don't know, I don't know if 5 yrs now I will have to. But if I do, the last thing I need is to be criticized for it.

Again, each child is different. There is no way we can judge any parent for doing what they do, as long as it is a form a discipline. There are extremes and no I do not agree with those. No child should be beaten until black and blue, that is totally unacceptable in ANY circumstance. When someone tries to even say that I am "doing it wrong" I give them a simple answer. Tell me this in 20 yrs, if my kid is in jail, a druggie, prostitute, etc etc THEN tell me I did it wrong, I will gladly accept it.

So if anyone reading this, falls into that category, next time please think of how ridiculous you will look when the child of those whom you judged, are better off than yours. The goal is, that your child, my child and their child all become productive members of society, no matter how we do it. There is no "right" way to reach the goal, as long as they reach it, with a smile on their face. :)

When its time...

Today, I participated for a little bit in my first twitter party. I was about potty training. Anyway, it just got me thinking about Denisse and how she has done stuff at her own time, and how I worry because I think she's not going to be at level with the rest of her kids her age, and how she always proves me wrong.

Starting from the time she would be born. No, she wasn't going to be forced to come out, with one kick she broke my water 45 min before I was to be induced.  Then, with the potty training. She was almost four before she would actually poo in the pot. The pressures of Day Cares, family and friends didn't help, but there she went, just in time to start preschool.

I think the Selective Mute issue was the hardest of our life struggles we have had to accomplish and overcome so far. It really worried me, not only because it could affect her academically, I was worried that if something happened to her, she wouldn't tell her teachers or anyone. Denisse proved me wrong, surely enough when she was ready, she slowly came out of her shell. We have gotten to the point where she is now speaking when she is spoken to. Yes she looks a little nervous, but she engages, way more than what she used to. She is even speaking to her little friends at school.

Then, today, once again she taught me, that its not when Me, her father, society or anyone else for that matter wants something to happen, it'll happen when it's time.  She came back from swimming with the big news that she can now swim, independently for a short distance. Yes, the baby that grew into a little girl without ever putting her head in the water, is now able to swim. Even washing her hair was a huge struggle, she would literally panic when she felt water on her face, lose control.

So, here I am, so proud and happy. This is a fun journey, parenting, you have your ups and downs but in the end its always satisfying to watch how your child accomplished something. So, just remember, things will happen, not when we want them to, but when its time. :)

My friend Sarah

I have a friend. Her name is Sarah. I actually have a book started about her. We met when I worked at The Foot &Ankle Center, in Richmond, VA. She joined us when I had been there about a year and a half. When I first saw her, I thought we weren't going to get along. She was very nice, but nice people make me nervous. I don't know why, but they do. Little by little we became really good friends.

I don't  think I have met anyone like her. She is so mild. Now that I think about it, Denisse is kind of like her. Always smiling, happy, and just a great person to be around. She opened the doors to her home on various occasions, for BBQs, get togethers and what not. She even babysat my sick child so I could go and have an adult birthday dinner.

I remember her fondly and wish I could see her more often. I wish she could see how much Denisse has grown. I wish Denisse could have her in her life. She accepted me, just as I am. Never tried to change me, and even put up with me at my worse time. Even though her and I don't talk much she is always in my heart and I remember her fondly.

Today is her birthday. I truly hope she enjoys it with her family and friends. I wish I could be with her, give her a happy birthday hug and have a drink. I can't. I just want her to know that I love her and will always be grateful for having had her in my life when I did.

Happy Birthday...My friend Sarah!!!

New Perspectives ...

So, I have been living with a "broken" ankle for a few weeks now. It wasn't until yesterday, however, that I was told to stay off of it, and rest. Even though I knew "stopping" my life would be difficult , I didn't imagine how hard such a simple task, like taking a shower, could be.  So there I was, standing on the side of the shower, wondering how I was going to manage. Then it hit me. Hundreds if not thousands of people with MAJOR disabilities do it every day with little or no help at all, why couldn't I? So, la soque, and managed to take a shower.

Then I started thinking of all these women with disabilities, sometimes single parents, and their everyday struggles. Small things, like pouring milk can be so complicated, yet they do it, with a smile on their face, because they have been doing it all their life. So many times have I said, I can't to something for no other reason than, I am just tired, unbelievable. Not only myself, many times I read or hear women complain about something involving their kids just because its inconvenient for them. Even helping them brush their teeth, turns into this big event, because it interrupts whatever it is they're doing. I felt ashamed of myself.

Next time, the words "I can't do that" cross my mind, I am going to think of a good reason why, and I also intend on doing it with my child. There really isn't a good reason one can't do something, if you set your minds to it. Especially if its being done by so many people, with less resources, help or even motivation than us. No, we are not rich, and may not live in a fancy house, but we have 2 hands. 2 feet, and all our mental capacity, more than some people can say, yet they are living their lives to the fullest and accomplishing their dreams. The words "I can't, its too hard" shouldn't exist in our vocabulary.

So, maybe next time your child or even yourself back down from doing something, think of why you really aren't doing it. New things are scary, change is scary, but there is nothing more rewarding than accomplishing something you once thought you couldn't do. So lets go out there and show the world what we CAN do, instead of what we tell ourselves we can't. :)

No more wounds...

While at my mothers this afternoon, I remembered why her and I can never get along. While I was growing up, most of the hurt and tears came because of what my mother said to me. Today, she made me feel like that little girl, that used to cry herself to sleep wondering why her mommy didn't love her.

The one person any child should be able to run to when they have been hurt, is the one causing the pain. It wasn't always like this. I remember, very vaguely that there was a time when I did receive love from my mom, maybe before I was four. After  that, most of the things I remember have a bitter sweet taste to it. Yes, my mom would provide for me, I can honestly say that I was given more than most, yes we were poor but she worked hard for what we had. I don't know if this is why she resented me so much.

I always felt that I wasn't good enough for her. She would always say something regarding my body, the way I would walk, the way I would talk, even the way I ate. As I grew older, I realized that this is how she was raised. Under a very strict and hard working woman. I don't know if she meant to, but she had become her own mother.

Now, that I am a mother myself, I feel confused about this. As I see my daughter, she is nothing but beautiful to me. I know, that she may not be all that, but to me, she is. So, I think, Was I not this to my mother? If that's the case, does that mean that she doesn't love me? Growing up, I always said that I would never make my children feel the way she made me feel. So, as a daughter of a strict parent, wouldn't she want to do the same?

The day my daughter was born I made her a promise. I would NEVER make her feel ugly, inferior, or stupid. I would be a positive parent, not her friend, but her parent. The wounds that have been carried over from one generation to another stop with me. I don't know, and guess will never know if my mother loves me, accepts me, or if she is even proud of me, but the one thing I will know, is that my daughter will know she is loved by her mother, no matter what path she takes in life.

Lonely...

This is a more personal entry. I have been wondering lately, if there is anyone out there for me. Not that I need the added stress that a relationship brings to ones life, but I would like to at least have someone to lean on.

I wonder, how some women, go years with no significant relationship in their lives. The casual date here and there or even a casual encounter in a remote hotel. I was kind of opened to that idea at first, but after many failed attempts, thanks to my very own jiminy cricket, I decided that not only did I need something more, but that I deserved it. Yet, here I am wondering if that is actually the way to go.

Men these days, expect women to be more open, more liberal and well, motherhood has made me somewhat old fashioned. To me, sex isn't everything, while its very nice to have it, I don't feel I need it like I used to. I need emotional sex. I need something that will arouse my interest, that will satisfy me intellectually, that will make my emotions explode just by thinking of him. Unfortunately there are very few men, if any that are willing to provide that.

I have noticed that even the older male, acts like an adolescent when it comes to dating. This isn't their fault, women have allowed for this to happen. Women that look at men like the answer to their problems, that look at the size of a mans wallet before the size of his heart. So, there men go, buying an expensive car, wearing expensive clothes, catering to these women's expensive tastes etc. Of course this all comes with a price, that many woman are willing to pay, sex has just become so casual.

I also think of my daughter, and the example that I have to set for her. As I have always said, I want her to be a strong woman. How can she be that, if she doesn't have a clear example of what that should be? But is needing to "be" with someone a sign of weakness? I don't want her to think that she needs to accomplish everything on her own, I want her to know that its OK to want to feel wanted, and loved. At the same time, I don't want her thinking that she needs to be with anyone, some people break the mold and actually do better alone.

As the years go by, I lose hope of ever finding that one person that will not only fit perfectly in my life, but feels I do the same in his. So maybe, in the meantime, I will continue to feel lonely, in silence.

Another One...

Denisse is the love of my life. I am so happy and grateful to have her, yet I feel I need one more. I know that its not possible, and even if it were, would be very risky. Still, there is something in me that needs another one.

I know I don't have much to offer, and probably bringing a child  into this world without a father is unfair. I feel so selfish for wanting things that I cant have. People tend to say, you should be happy, grateful, content that you have at least one, there are many women that cant even have that. Yes, I know, I know all this full well, but that doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't take away the feeling I have, it doesn't take away the pain I feel for not being able to have another.

Its not only for me, I think of Denisse. I myself am an only child, and even though it has its advantages, it has more emotional disadvantages. For example, here I am, blogging my feelings instead of picking up the phone and calling a sister, or brother. I don't have that, I don't have anything the at this point resembles that. Then there's the "when I am gone" issue. Who will Denisse have? Nobody. It will just be her, the emptiness one feels when those thoughts pop into your head are awful.

I know economically it will also strain me even more, and may halt even more my dreams of finishing my career, but if I had one wish, it would be to have another child. To feel it grow inside me, to go through the morning sickness, even the labor pains. Maybe, just maybe it will happen, I don't want to lose hope, I feel as long as I have the parts I can...I know. I am fooling myself. *sigh*

When your child "says" No...LISTEN

Training for the spring season of Soccer started 2 weeks ago. Denisse has improved a lot. I am not only saying that because she is my kid, a lot of parents have asked me if she has played before, because she is so focused.

Anyway, she is on a different team this time, which I personally don't mind, that also helps her out being comfortable with other people and maybe she will find that one kiddo she will open up to. All the kids on last seasons team, were also very focused and you could tell they enjoyed being there.

 We all wish, our kids would enjoy themselves in activities we pick for them, unfortunately sometimes that's not the case. Like when Denisse, wasn't having it in martial arts. I was disappointed, and I am not going to lie about it. The more I insisted on it the more she would withdraw. She gave me so many signs. She had told me in her own voice NO, but of course kids tend to say that about something new, or just to say it. Once it started though it wasn't her voice saying no, it was her attitude.  She would cry, she wouldn't participate, she wouldn't pay attention.  So, finally we stopped going.

I am bring this up because there is one little girl on the team that appears to be having the same issue. The age group is under 6, so maybe the age thing has a lot  to do with it, but she looks to be either 5 or 6. She is not focused at all, doesn't listen, doesn't look interested in playing. I understand, that being a recreational team is more about it being fun rather than competitive. This little girl though doesn't look like she is having fun.

When she gets to practice, she looks tired and unhappy. Once practice starts, she is so distracted by other things. I can tell that even the coaches are getting a little impatient with her. Yes, there are other kids that are acting the same, but they are much younger. Also, her mom doesn't seem to be interested in her playing or learning the game. She sees her unfocused and just standing there and doesn't say anything. Other parents, including myself sit there, cheer on and direct our kids, or tell them to pay attention. 

To have your child in an activity just because its the in thing to do or because the rest of your social group does it even though your child clearly isn't interested is a total waste of their time and yours. I wonder if her mom even bothered asking her, or if she gave her any other options.

As parents our job is to guide our children in the right direction. Given them the tools so they can follow or make their own path in life, not make it for them. We have to understand that we may not have a ballerina but a gymnast,  a basketball player or whatever their little heart is into. We have to listen to our child. What is the use of having your child in an activity she isn't enjoying?

Anyway, that's my two cents. Hopefully she is able to enjoy, if not the game but the friendships she makes along the way.

Starting Over....Again....

Easter 2013

So, Its been a while....a loooong while. *sigh* ...yes I have been lazy, that's the truth. I have had some rough times. But I have had some good times as well, all of which you guys deserved to know. It would take me forever to share one by one with its story and all so I will give a brief re-cap.

Denisse started 1st grade! She is dong great!! she is thriving and is slowly overcoming her "issue". She is one of the top students in her class and excels in her assessment exams. She is talking to her teacher, and also talking to new people she meets.

She is playing soccer, and LOVES IT!!! She started last fall, and was very iffy at first. I didn't think she would like it, but she did. This season (spring) she looks and acts more confident, of course she needs a lot more work, but she is getting there.

Martial Arts was a big FAIL! She really didn't like that and I honestly wanted her to. To build her confidence and for self defense as well. I may attempt it again, now that she is opening up to some things. But yeah, I was disappointed.

She also did and completed Piano I. She liked it and is still practicing, she will retake lessons in the summer or even the fall. I don't want to overload her.

She is also learning to swim. This started this week. So far so good, although she still has issues with her head being in the water. But I can tell that she will be fine.

We did end up going to El Salvador!! Denisse enjoyed it and surprised me. She didn't get sick and was just so open to everything. We are going back next year for sure.

As for me, well still single, still struggling and still hoping.

So, hopefully I will keep up with this, this time around, I have another project going around and that gave me ideas for this one. Maybe one day my craziness pays the bills...we will see.

Thanx for reading :)

Chelitta