Letting go...

I was wondering which blog I should post this in. I figured I could post it in both, but that's a bit much. So I opted to post it here, since I am sure I am not the only single mom out there that feels this way.

So, after a few months I reopened my OK cupid account. This came after an unfortunate incident that happened after I posted an ad on CL. Nothing "bad" per se just brought me down emotionally. Basically I was rejected after I sent a picture. So I figured, at least on OKC they will see a pic of me and if they do decide to make contact well they at least they know what I look like somewhat.  So within a few hours I kept receiving messages, some were not even worth it, some were but they guy really wasn't what I was looking for and so I answered a few. Some convos died after a few hours because of course, despite my profile clearly saying that I didn't want a casual sex thing, exchange nude pix or anything along those lines, I guess guys didn't get it or believe it. Then there was one gentleman, which actually sustained a decent convo and was really nice. So I was a tad excited. He asked me out for lunch, which I readily agreed to. So everything was going fine, and then this morning, I receive a message from him. He apologized for cancelling on me for the date, but he had been seeing another woman and she wanted them to be exclusive. Well, I appreciate his honesty, but, if you  are already seeing someone, why are you on OKC still? Why are you messaging women?

The thing is, being dumped even before anything hurts. It hurt more because, despite him being intelligent, Spanish speaking, able to carry on a convo, he wasn't exactly what I "want". See I was compromising or as I feel settling for something less than what I expect. Why? Various reasons. I know, people usually say never settle, but that hasn't gotten me anywhere. I am still alone. One reason is basically that, I don't want to be alone. This past x-mas was terrible. Yes I was with Denisse and with my parents and even my aunt and uncle, but still its not the same. No kiss under the mistletoe, no kiss period. Nothing. Another reason is, well I was told that I don't give guys a chance. That I usually cut them off before even letting them prove themselves. So I decided, what the hell, lets lower your standards, and just go with the flow.

Obviously that didn't go well either. So it hurt, especially since the last time I attempted this online thing didn't turn out well either. So needless to say that ruined my whole day and the rest of this bad year. So I have decided to let go. Let go, not of a person, but of the idea of LOVE.

For those that have been following, you guys know that Love hasn't gone well for me. Starting with my marriage. It seems I tend to fall for guys that don't like me. That don't see me more than just a friend. I mean I have always been able to be friends with men, so maybe that's as far as I am supposed to go with them. I fall for guys that prefer beauty over brains, even when they say they don't. I let people in that don't deserve it and I am only hurt in the end. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't deserve hurt anymore. Its not that I don't give people chances. I did, it didn't work.

So, starting in 2014 I will no longer look for love. I will leave OKC open, but not answer people that don't meet my standards. I will not settle anymore. I know what I want and if that person doesn't have it, I wont waste my time or theirs. As much as it hurts I won't maintain that hope that there is someone out there for me. I truly believe at this point there isn't. If there were, he would have shown up by now. He hasn't. He doesn't exist. I have to accept that, I believe that once I do, I will be happy.

Letting go hurts, letting go of one of the things that kept you going hurts even more. Love isn't for me, never has, never will be. ...