Denisse is the love of my life. I am so happy and grateful to have her, yet I feel I need one more. I know that its not possible, and even if it were, would be very risky. Still, there is something in me that needs another one.
I know I don't have much to offer, and probably bringing a child into this world without a father is unfair. I feel so selfish for wanting things that I cant have. People tend to say, you should be happy, grateful, content that you have at least one, there are many women that cant even have that. Yes, I know, I know all this full well, but that doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't take away the feeling I have, it doesn't take away the pain I feel for not being able to have another.
Its not only for me, I think of Denisse. I myself am an only child, and even though it has its advantages, it has more emotional disadvantages. For example, here I am, blogging my feelings instead of picking up the phone and calling a sister, or brother. I don't have that, I don't have anything the at this point resembles that. Then there's the "when I am gone" issue. Who will Denisse have? Nobody. It will just be her, the emptiness one feels when those thoughts pop into your head are awful.
I know economically it will also strain me even more, and may halt even more my dreams of finishing my career, but if I had one wish, it would be to have another child. To feel it grow inside me, to go through the morning sickness, even the labor pains. Maybe, just maybe it will happen, I don't want to lose hope, I feel as long as I have the parts I can...I know. I am fooling myself. *sigh*
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