No more wounds...

While at my mothers this afternoon, I remembered why her and I can never get along. While I was growing up, most of the hurt and tears came because of what my mother said to me. Today, she made me feel like that little girl, that used to cry herself to sleep wondering why her mommy didn't love her.

The one person any child should be able to run to when they have been hurt, is the one causing the pain. It wasn't always like this. I remember, very vaguely that there was a time when I did receive love from my mom, maybe before I was four. After  that, most of the things I remember have a bitter sweet taste to it. Yes, my mom would provide for me, I can honestly say that I was given more than most, yes we were poor but she worked hard for what we had. I don't know if this is why she resented me so much.

I always felt that I wasn't good enough for her. She would always say something regarding my body, the way I would walk, the way I would talk, even the way I ate. As I grew older, I realized that this is how she was raised. Under a very strict and hard working woman. I don't know if she meant to, but she had become her own mother.

Now, that I am a mother myself, I feel confused about this. As I see my daughter, she is nothing but beautiful to me. I know, that she may not be all that, but to me, she is. So, I think, Was I not this to my mother? If that's the case, does that mean that she doesn't love me? Growing up, I always said that I would never make my children feel the way she made me feel. So, as a daughter of a strict parent, wouldn't she want to do the same?

The day my daughter was born I made her a promise. I would NEVER make her feel ugly, inferior, or stupid. I would be a positive parent, not her friend, but her parent. The wounds that have been carried over from one generation to another stop with me. I don't know, and guess will never know if my mother loves me, accepts me, or if she is even proud of me, but the one thing I will know, is that my daughter will know she is loved by her mother, no matter what path she takes in life.